


Malefesto, Destroyer of Worlds

by Alyx Bradford (RogueBelle)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Gen, House of Black, Humour, Marauders' Era, Wordcount: 1.000-3.000
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-01-31
Updated: 2011-01-31
Packaged: 2017-10-15 06:33:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/158018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RogueBelle/pseuds/Alyx%20Bradford
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In his fourth year, Sirius sends away for a mail-order pet, and gets a lot more than he bargained for. Hilarity ensues.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Malefesto, Destroyer of Worlds

The ad, placed at the back of an issue of "Martin Miggs, the Mad Muggle", had not been drawn to scale. When Sirius received the pet miniature squid he'd sent away for, it was barely a speck in the carefully charmed jar that arrived in the mail. Leigh Dalloway, who was half-blooded and thus knew a lot about Muggle things, said it looked like something called a sea monkey. Much further explanation was required before the other boys at the Gryffindor table understood that those creatures were somewhat misnamed, and were not monkeys at all, but brine shrimp.

Sirius, though, stalwartly refused to believe he had been scammed. "It said it was a miniature squid, and it's a miniature squid," he insisted. "Just you wait and see, he'll grow a bit. The ad said he'd be about five inches by the time he gets to be full-grown."

"In the meantime," James commented, squinting through his glasses at the tiny tank, "take care you don't lose track of him."

"Betcha two Sickles it doesn't turn into anything at all," volunteered Ludo Bagman, from behind Remus – who, for his part, was taking very little notice of the supposed squid, and had his nose buried in his Charms textbook. "It's probably just a bread crumb or something."

"I'll take that bet!" Sirius declared, sounding slightly offended on behalf of his theoretical new pet. "He's gonna grow, and I'll have the best pet out of anyone. Who wants a rotten old rat or a toad when you can have a squid?" Grey eyes alight with optimism, Sirius lifted the jar up to the light to see into it better.

One week later, Sirius proudly brought the jar out into the common room and plunked it on a table in front of Ludo and a few of his friends. "Pay up!" he said, triumphant ringing in his voice.

Ludo and the others leaned forward. Behind a small palm tree toy that had been fixed to the bottom of the jar, something was definitely moving. Just as Ludo was raising a skeptical brow, a tiny squid, only three-inches long, but a perfect replica of a larger version of the species, darted out from around the toy tree. One of Ludo's friends jumped backwards so fast he nearly fell out of his seat. "You're joking!" Ludo exclaimed. "That thing actually turned into a... well, fine. Good on you, Sirius!" And, quite good-naturedly, he fished in his pocket for a pair of Sickles, and handed them over.

James came over and tapped on the glass. The squid didn't seem to like that, and zoomed back behind the protection of the palm tree. "So it is real!" he said. "What're you going to call it?"

"Oh, I've got a great name picked out for him," Sirius replied. "Malefesto, Destroyer of Worlds."

A few seconds of silence followed this proclamation. "Malefesto?" James echoed.

"Malefesto, Destroyer of Worlds," Sirius corrected. "You've got to use his full name." He picked the jar back up. The squid edged into view again, and pressed a small, pink tentacle up against the glass. It whooshed back and forth a few times, for all the world like it was waving hello.

James blinked a few times, then ran a hand through his hair. "Malefesto, Destroyer of Worlds it is," he said.

A week later, Sirius was becoming mildly concerned. "Malefesto, Destroyer of Worlds is nearly nine inches long!" he hissed to James, Remus, and Peter as they waited for Professor Jennings to arrive at the Defence Against the Dark Arts classroom. "He wasn't supposed to get any bigger than six! Pretty soon he won't fit in the jar!"

"Well, we can sort that," Remus said. "Those expansion charms we learned last month should work on the jar."

"He's probably just big for the breed," James assured Sirius. "I'm sure there's nothing wrong with him."

But two weeks later, Malefesto, Destroyer of Worlds had grown to the size of a terrier. A week after that, he'd reached the size of a small pig, and Remus voiced his concerns about the stability of the jar if they tried to enlarge it any further. "And the last thing we want," he said, "is the glass shattering in the middle of the night. The water would soak through to the next floor, and we'd have Malefesto in the—"

"Malefesto, Destroyer of Worlds," Sirius murmured. He was lying flat on the floor, staring at the enlarged jar with his head resting on his folded arms.

Remus put a great deal of effort into not rolling his eyes. "And we'd have Malefesto, Destroyer of Worlds flopping about in the middle of our floor."

"Well, where else can we put him?" Peter asked, waving his hands in the air. (From the jar, Malefesto, Destroyer of Worlds waved back).

"How about the bathtub?" James suggested. "I mean, it's not like anyone uses it much, we all shower mostly. I can't see how anyone'd mind him living in the bathtub."

The next evening, Gryffindor Tower rang with the terrified bellows of Tiberius Brown, who had missed the general notice on the common room board not to pull back the curtain surrounding the bathtub nearest the window in the boys' lavatories.

For a few weeks, Malefesto, Destroyer of Worlds seemed perfectly happy in the bathtub. Sirius visited him several times a day, and always found him splashing happily, eager to eat whatever food Sirius and James had nicked from the kitchens for him. At first they had assumed that, as a sea creature, he would only eat fish, but repeated experiments showed that he also enjoyed treacle tarts, Ice Mice, Chocoballs, licorice, cucumber sandwiches, and every variety of Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans they'd tried so far, with the exceptions of grass, asparagus, and charcoal.

"Y'know," James said, tossing a chocolate biscuit to Malefesto, Destroyer of Worlds, "I'm real pleased that he seems so happy. But d'you think..." His voice trailed off.

"What?" Sirius asked, patting a long tentacle that had slopped out of the tub.

"It's just... d'you think he's still getting... _bigger_?"

Sirius looked appraisingly at his beloved pet. Now that James mentioned, it did seem that while Malefesto, Destroyer of Worlds's growth had slowed, it had certainly not stopped. He seemed to be splashing more water out of the tub every day, and his tentacles were long enough to reach the window.

"I wonder if it's the food," James continued. "Y'know, magically-created food? I wonder if that's what's making him so big."

"No idea," Sirius said. "But if he gets any bigger, we're gonna have to come up with a better plan."

"Well..." James said, "I've been thinking about that. Gideon Prewett once told me the tub in the prefects' bathroom is practically the size of a swimming pool. That'd have to be enough space for him... wouldn't it?"

Two weeks later, when it had become necessary to move a second tub next to the first so that Malefesto, Destroyer of Worlds could rest several of his tentacles in the spare, James and Sirius crept up to Gideon Prewett, the sixth-year prefect, to ask a favour.

"Have you two completely lost your senses?" Gideon asked, in total astonishment. "You want me to abuse my prefects' powers to get a... a great massive _squid_ into the prefects' bathroom? To _live_ there?"

James opened his mouth to respond, but Sirius spoke first. "He's not a great massive squid!" he objected. "I mean, not for a squid, anyway. As squids go, he's still quite reasonably sized. He's just... a bit big for a pet."

This statement hung in the air for a moment before James planted his hands on his hips and said, "You do owe us one, Gid. And unless you'd like everyone to find out the truth about the butterfly incident from Halloween..."

Gideon arched a pale eyebrow. "Blackmail, Potter?"

Looking wounded, James pressed a hand to his chest. "I'd never suggest such a thing! I'm just saying... when Sirius here gets in a mood, as having his beloved pet suffocate and die from not getting enough water surely would do to him, he tends to just say whatever pops into his head." Sirius nodded, doing an admirable impression of beleaguered suffering. "And since he _was_ the sole witness to said event..."

"All right, all right, fine!" Gideon said. "I guess I can tell the other prefects that the tub... has started spouting out noxious fumes and needs repairs, or something. But this is a _temporary_ solution. You have to figure out something else to do with Malefesto." At a reproachful look from Sirius, Gideon sighed, and added, "Destroyer of Worlds."

For the next month, things went along quite peaceably. Gideon regularly snuck Sirius into the prefects' bathroom so he could visit Malefesto, Destroyer of Worlds. By the end of March, however, there was simply no getting around the fact that Malefesto, Destroyer of Worlds, far from achieving a maximum size and holding there, was still getting bigger by the day. Even the prefects' enormous bathtub could no longer fully contain him, as his tentacles stretched out well over forty feet. "Sirius, mate," James said, as they stood at the edge of the pool-sized tub, pitching in whole Cornish hens by the dozen, "I think it might be time to say goodbye to Malefesto, Destroyer of Worlds."

"Yeah," Sirius replied, sadly. "I reckon you're right. I mean, it can't be good for him, all cooped up in here, can it? He needs to be free, in the wild... Look at him, he's all peaky." Internally, James wondered how Sirius could tell, but kept this pondering to himself.

"I guess the question then is," James said, "where, exactly, does one deposit a great gigantic squid so that it can, er, be free in the wild?"

"Well," Sirius said, scuffing his feet on the tiled floor, "That's the thing. I mean, I think I might have it sorted. I've been thinking the lake might be a nice place for him... it's plenty big and deep enough, and there's all sorts of things for him to eat in there..."

James blinked. Twice. "The lake?"

Sirius nodded. "The lake."

A long beat of silence, and then James said, "D'you know, mate, I reckon a giant squid is just what that lake's been missing all these years."

**Author's Note:**

> If you enjoyed this work, please check out [my blog](http://cassmorriswrites.com)! I also write original fiction, and my debut novel will be out January 2018.


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